


Jack Sparrow in Middle Earth: Were has all the rum gone?

by psghayleaux



Category: Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies), The Lord of the Rings (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crossover Pairings, Gen, M/M, crack of epic proportions, crack!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-24
Updated: 2013-11-24
Packaged: 2018-01-02 11:37:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1056301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psghayleaux/pseuds/psghayleaux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What would happen if Jack Sparrow ended up in Middle earth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jack Sparrow in Middle Earth: Were has all the rum gone?

**Author's Note:**

> Oh god people I don't even know. I wrote this like 10 years ago in college. (That doesn't make me feel old at all) It is not meant to be taken seriously, at all. If you do, well I warned you. I blame college, sleep deprivation, and my friend Draco who egged me on the whole time. Also unedited since it was originally written. Bad characterizations probably, and grammar which has has never been my fine suit. Someday, if I can ever bring myself to read it again, I might polish it up.

One day Jack woke up, walked out of the tavern he'd passes out in, and straight into a being he mistook for Will. That is until he concentrated and took a second look. Then the resemblance was hardly there. This person had long blond hair and pointy ears, two things that meant it was definitely not Will.

Then the point ears sunk in. Jack wondered exactly how much of and what he'd had to drink the night before. Then he decided another drink was in order.

So he turned back around to go back to the tavern, which wasn't there. So he turned back around and addressed the person he'd run into; who was just standing there looking confused, (it was confused look #1,453 to be exact), and said "You wouldn't happen to have any rum would you?" The confused look got worse (all the way to #3,628 actually).

There was no response. "Don't speak, or don't speak English?" No response. After that Jack decided that this person wasn't worth his time and started to walk off, when the person spoke.

"Where did you come from?"

"A tavern, although I'm a little confused as to where it went to."

"Maybe you better come with me; my friends might be interested in you."

"Why? Do they have rum?"

"They don't have rum, but I think you might interest them."

At the continued prospect of no rum Jack decided to leave again when he was forcibly stopped.

"What's the meaning of this? Let me go?"

"No you're coming with me."

Jack discovered that the guy was a lot stronger then he looked. He couldn't get away.

"Fine looks like I'm going with you. Name's Jack Sparrow, Captain Jack Sparrow."

"I'm Legolas."

"What kind of name is that?"

"Elvish."

"Never heard of that."

"Well I've never heard of rum."

"Pity, I was really hoping to find some."

"What is it?"

"Alcohol, you have heard of that at least?"

"Yes I've head of that. I don't indulge often though."

"What a shame, so are we going to stand here and talk all day or am I going to meet you friends?"

"You're going to meet my friends."

"Good to know."

With that they left, Legolas moving silently though the woods; Jack, with his normal strut, crashing into trees and tripping over everything. Legolas looked more then a little exasperated. This Jack person had little or no experience with walking silently though the woods, and his hair wasn't all that silent, it clanked and rattled constantly.

"Are you always this noisy?"

"Only on land, never been that fond of it."

"Then where are you normally, if not land, certainly not the air."

"At sea, water's where I'm at home."

"You've seen the sea?"

"Yes."

"I've always longed to gaze upon the sea, but I'm afraid if I ever do it will call to me and I'll leave this place forever."

"What?" Jack was a little confused.

Unfortunately Legolas didn't seem interested in enlightening him as he'd stopped talking.

Jack decided this Legolas person wasn't much fun and started mumbling to himself quietly about rum, disappearing taverns and strangers who looked oddly like Will Turner only not.

Legolas looked at him, shook his head, and continued back to the camp half hoping Jack wouldn't follow at this point.

Jack did follow though, still tripping and clanking along with the occasional mutter about rum.

After about 20 min, they reached the camp. As Legolas entered, Aragorn, without looking up said, "What took…" he stopped as he realized Legolas wasn't alone.

"This is Captain Jack Sparrow. I found him stumbling about the woods."

"Wasn't stumbling in the woods, walked out of a tavern and into blondy. Not sure where the tavern went though."

Aragorn looked at him skeptically, Gandalf looked amused, Boromir had an air of malice, Gimli looked disdainful, Merry and Pippin looked curious, Frodo detached interest, and Sam just looked confused.

"What are you a captain of?" asked Aragorn after a minuet.

"The Black Pearl, finest pirate ship in the Caribbean."

"What's the Caribbean?" Pippin asked before anyone else could respond.

"A sea."

"Oooh, I've never seen one of those, what's it like?" He was fairly hopping with excitement.

Before Jack could respond, Gandalf spoke up, "There will be time enough for him to answer your questions later, for now I must speak with him, Aragorn, Legolas. Come with me, Jack, if you will please accompany us."

With that he stood up and left the camp the other three followed. Admittedly Jack only went because Legolas grabbed him before he could wander off casually in the opposite direction.

They walked until they were almost out of earshot of the camp; you could hear Merry and Pippin if you listened carefully.

"I'm not quite sure what to make of this," said Gandalf as they came to a stop. "This is quite beyond my realm of experience. In all my long years I've never heard of someone simply appearing in the middle of a forest. And most certainly not one that claims to have walked out of a tavern that simply vanished."

"Not like its ever happened to me before," commented Jack. "Wouldn't want to go somewhere without run anyway," he added, a rather put off expression on his face.

"He did appear quite suddenly in font of me, although I saw no sign of this tavern he spoke of. However he does have the smell of one who's spent a great deal of time in such a place."

"Nothing wrong with the way I smell," Jack looked a little offended at being told he smelled like a drinking establishment.

"Well then the question is, if he was in a tavern how did he end up here," asked Aragorn.

All heads turned to Gandalf, well okay, not all heads. Jack was looking out into the woods, wondering if his compass would do him any good on dry land.

He decided the best way to find out was try, admittedly he wouldn't know if it pointed north or not here, but it was worth a shot. He took the compass out, the needle spun around crazily before stopping, pointing straight a head. He decided to go that direction. Unfortunately for him, Legolas happened to glance in his direction just as he started off. He was dragged back to the group.

"He's trying to leave again," said Legolas.

"Just where were you heading? You don't know your way around," stated Aragorn.

"That way of course," Jack said pointing.

"Why that way?"

"Because that's where the compass pointed."

"Compass?"

"Handy little instrument, supposed to point north."

"You weren't going north."

"Really, great. Means it still works."

"But you just said that compasses pointed north."

"Normal compasses yes, but not this one, this one's special."

"Where does yours point then?"

"Treasure, danger, adventure, never know for sure. But it's always worth my time to see where it leads."

"Here you may not want to follow it. If it points to danger then it points to Mordor and that is a place you do not want to go."

This came from Gandalf, who while looking amused still managed to convey his concern about this odd compass and what it might mean.

"What's so bad about this Mordor place? Can't be worse then my last big adventure. Cursed pirates who couldn't die and weren't alive, I'm not sure if it gets worse then that. Although as the delectable Will Turner isn't here, nor the spirited Miss Swann, it possible it would be a less enjoyable adventure." Then he looked at Legolas, "Although I could be wrong."

Legolas looked both confused and worried at this comment. Aragorn coughed to hide his laughter, and Gandalf openly smiled.

"Now if we could please get back to the reason we're here, Gandalf do you have any idea how he came to be here or where he's from?"

"Now if you'll remember correctly I have all ready said this is beyond my experience. But if you want my guess I'll tell you."

"Your guess will have to do, it's probably better than any explanation we could come up with."

"Well is you insist, I'll will try and do my best. I would have to say that Jack here is from another timeline, or maybe even our future, however I'm not quite sure how he came to be here, possibly some sort of rift formed in the fabric or time between our worlds, or timelines if you rather."

"I would say you're insane, or drunk, but after the cursed pirates I suppose it's possible. Although if I had to get sent somewhere other then where I'm from I'd wish there was rum, lots of it."

"Rum?"

"Some form of alcohol," explained Legolas as Jack was pouting and looking damn sexy, so far to busy to actually answer the question.

"Well if he wants alcohol, I'm sure he can get himself some. Legolas, do you still have some of that elvish wine?" asked Aragorn looking amused.

"Yes, I still have some," said Legolas hesitantly, "Why?"

At this point Jack broke in, "Wine?! Wine is for sissies."

"You might want to reserve you judgment until you've tried it." Aragorn was starting to look proud of himself, but not overly so.

"I suggest we head back to camp now," said Gandalf, "Merry and Pippin seem to be up to their normal mischief and Borimir's involved; Gimili's threatening to kill the lot of them."

Everyone, but Jack who didn't care if someone was going to die, thought this was a good idea. So they headed back to camp, with Legolas dragging Jack after him.

Legolas was getting sick of being the one who had to keep track of Jack. He was almost worse the Merry and Pippin. And they all took turns looking after them.

He didn't get a chance to say anything though. Turned out Merry and Pippin had been hassling Borimir about having to wait for everyone to come back before they could eat; it was Sam's turn to cook so it was sure to be good. Borimir had started tickling them to distract them.

The ensuing tussle had rolled into Gimli who had been napping. He hadn't appreciated being woken up.

So Legolas didn't get a chance to say anything until after everyone had eaten. "Aragorn do you think Jack…"

At that Aragorn spoke up. "Legolas why don't you get out the wine and see how our friend likes it."

Legolas wasn't pleased about being interrupted; it seemed to him as though Aragorn didn't want him to get someone else to keep track of Jack. He sighed quietly to himself, not realizing that Aragorn saw and smiled and Jack looked like he was formulating a plan. Then got the wine out of the supplies Bill (the pony) was carrying.

"Here you go, see if elvish wine is different from others you've had."

He handed Jack the wine skin.

Jack took a long drink, most of the skin, wiped his mouth.

"That's nothing; I've tasted stronger…" before he could finish his sentence his eyes seamed to unfocused. "Wha' was I sayin'?" he slurred. "Wow…Will, I like the new look." This was directed at Legolas. "Why don' you come here and I'll show you how much."

At that Legolas looked rather terrified.

"Wha's the matter Will? Feeling shy? Then I'll come to you."

With that Jack got up and stumbled over to where Legolas was sitting and straddled his lap.

Legolas tried to push him off. It didn't work, Jack clung like a limpet.

Legolas tried to talk to him. "Jack I think you've had too much to drink, I'm not who…"

He was cut off abruptly as Jack kissed him.

"You always talk too much," said Jack when he ended the kiss.

"I'm now Will."

"Don't be silly, course you are, look just like him, 'sept the hair and ears."

With that he kissed Legolas again, his hands starting to wander about Legolas' body. No matter how hard he tried Legolas couldn't get Jack off him. He tried not think about the fact that he might not have been trying as hard as he could have.

For the most part the rest of the fellowship just snickered at them. Gimli however had gone back to sleep, and Sam looked a little horrified, when he wasn't sneaking looks at Frodo.

After a couple of minuets it didn't look like Jack was planning on stopping any time soon and Legolas was now participating.

Legolas suddenly let go of Jack looking sheepish. "Sorry, Jack, Jack leave off a minuet would you?" This said while trying to remove Jack's hands from his clothing.

"Why's you stop…" Jack never finished his sentence; instead he passed out and started snoring loudly.

There were several snickers, but when Legolas looked everyone seemed to be paying attention to something other than what was going on with Jack.

Legolas just glared at everyone. "If you're quiet done now, I think we should get camp ready for the night."

When Jack woke up twenty minuets later, he looked confused.

"Oh wait, that's right, not where I should be, no rum," with a frown at the hobbits, "and there are kids with very large feet."

"We're not kids, we're hobbits," said Merry, "What did you think we where when you were first here any way?"

"Thought my mind was playing tricks on me still. Don't think it is, would have woken up somewhere not here. I did however just have the strangest dream. I was kissing Will only he was blond. Very odd."

Legolas wasn't sure if he was happy or sad that Jack didn't know what he'd done. He quickly settled on sad though. He'd actually quite enjoyed Jacks attention by the end. Legolas felt his best course of action was to forget the whole thing happened, and hope his meddling friends didn't get Jack drunk again. He didn't think he'd take being forgotten as well a second time. And besides it just wasn't his style to let strange men have their way with him when they'd first me. In fact they generally weren't allowed any liberties with him even after they'd known each other for awhile.

Although that might explain why Aragorn seemed so interested in getting Jack drunk, revenge for all those times he'd turned him down. Not that Aragorn should be complaining. If Arewn had found out he'd cheated on her, he'd be dead. And possibly Legolas would have been too.

While this was all running though his mind he didn't notice Jack watching him speculative. Or the even more interesting fact that Sam seemed to be staring at Frodo even more then normal, with the adoring look missing, one more of lust in its place.

Gandalf seemed to find the whole thing highly amusing and was smiling to himself while enjoying an after supper pipe.

After things settled down the fellowship and Jack went to bed for the night. Legolas had first watch. It was quiet for the first hour. Then Jack came over to him.

"That wasn't a dream this evening was it? I really did kiss you, didn't I?"

"Erm… yeah you did."

"Sorry then, unless it didn't bother."

"It didn't bo…"

Legolas was silenced by Jack kissing him again. "Good then, this time I promise not to pass out."

And with that Jack's mouth attached itself to Legolas' again. This time the wandering hands weren't just Jacks.

They spent a pleasurable hour getting to 'know' each other better, when they were interrupted by someone clearing their throat.

As one they turned, Legolas' face flushing with embracement; Jack had no response.

"Your watch is over," said a grinning Aragorn, "Not that it looks like you where doing much, watching that is."

Legolas discovered it's really hard to keep up an appearance of elvin cool while ones face was bright red.

"We'll just go to out bed roll now," said Jack with a wink, since it was true. He didn't have a bed roll of his own, and he'd been using Legolas'.

Once at the bed roll Legolas was a little hesitant to start anything. Jack wasn't.

They made out for a while longer before Legolas stopped. "Jack, you should probably get some rest, we've got a long walk tomorrow."

Jack pouted, not liking the idea, "Jack Sparrow doesn't need that much sleep luv, and I don't hardly sleep at all."

"That's probably because you pass out drunk long before sleep can claim you."

Jack considered this. "You're probably right, still doesn't mean I want to sleep."

"I'll still be here in the morning so go to sleep."

Jack grumbled a little more, but he did eventually go to sleep. Legolas followed shortly after into his own version of sleep.

The next morning dawned bright and clear. Jack woke up to the sound of sea gulls and waves.

"Must've been a dream then," he muttered more then a little unhappy about Legolas not being real. Then he realized he wasn't a lone in his bed. Legolas was next to him, still seemingly asleep.

Jack eased his way out of bed, trying not to wake him, and went on to the deck.

"You guys wouldn't believe…"

He was rudely interrupted by Will, who did look similar to Legolas, "Jack, you're awake! Elizabeth and I were quite concerned; you've been unconscious for nearly a day,"

"What are you babbling about Will? I'm perfectly fine, I've been fine, would you please…"

He was once again interrupted.

"Some of the crew found you outside of a tavern, out cold. We're not sure what happened exactly, but we think you go hit on the head with something."

"Yes, yes, that's all well and good; will you please be quiet so I can finish my thought?"

Will was silent.

"Good, as I was saying I just spent a day somewhere that was most definitely not here. There were wizards, and elves, and odd short people, one with a hairy face, and several others with big hairy feet. And the elf looked just like you Will, 'sides the hair and eyes, and can't forget the pointed ears."

"Jack I think that blow to the head affected you more then you know. None of that stuff is real. You've been in your cabin the whole time."

"It all happened, I'll prove it."

With that Jack dashed off to his cabin. He returned, moments later, with a sleep tousled, half awake Legolas in tow.

"Okay if it didn't happen, then were did he come from?" Jack exclaimed triumphantly.

Will was too busy staring to pay Jack much mind. There in front of him, was, well, him, with blond hair and blue eyes,

"I, um, I'm going to go talk to Elizabeth now." Will ran off.

"That'll make him think twice before not believing me again."

"If you don't mind, where are we?"

"The Black Pearl, my ship, last real pirate threat in the Caribbean."

"We're at sea?" Legolas asked awed.

"Yup." Jack was grinning ear to ear. "Think you want to stick around?"

Legolas nodded, and then went to the edge of the deck, to get his first good look at the sea.

Jack grinned and sauntered over to the helm, his look becoming more mischievous by the second.

"I'll take it from here," he told the man at the wheel.

Jack took out his compass, looked at it, picked his heading, and smiled some more.

Legolas came over to him.

"Where are we going?"

"You'll know soon enough, love, soon enough."

With that he snapped the compass shut, humming to himself; ready for his next adventure, with his new lover at his side.


End file.
